It's so much closer than we know...

The last few days have been a complete whirlwind....my Father-in-Law passed away very unexpectedly Tuesday. With only hours to understand it all and before we realized what was happening, he was gone. I'm trying to understand and be strong, but it's so hard right now. We live across the country from all of our family and having to hold it together for my kids, alone, is very hard.

My husband received the call on Tuesday that he needed to get on the next flight out of Tampa and get to San Diego as fast as he could. Things were bad and it was more than just needing a miracle. Within a 48 hour period he developed an extreme case of pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital on Monday. He made some great progress by Monday evening, things were looking good as we expected. He's a young 65-year-old...and we didn't really panic at that point. I mean, they just bought their plane tickets. They were coming to our house in 2 weeks to spend the holiday with us. It's been 7 years since our kids have been able to celebrate Christmas with family and we were so excited! We couldn't wait for them to get here...we were emailing just this past week, counting down the days and making final plans.

By Tuesday morning, everything that could be wrong and bad, was. A turn for the worse in the middle of night made it almost impossible to keep him breathing on his own. The dreaded early morning phone call made my heart stop as a I saw the area code on the caller ID. I knew it had to be bad. At first I didn't want to answer it, but I did, and with a pit in my gut got the news that he wasn't okay. I honestly don't remember the conversation, but I had to tell my husband to be prepared to head to California. I don't think it even set in then...until the midday phone call with more panic and a plea to get there. My husband immediately came home from work, grab a suitcase and headed to the airport. I felt like I was standing in the middle of busy subway watching everything around me fly by and feeling completely helpless. My husband gave me a hug....a long one, and I knew in my heart that when I saw him again he would be different. I could feel his pain already.

My husband called me from the Atlanta airport while getting ready to board his next flight and there were no sounds but the background noise of the airport. He must have just gotten a phone call or an update and whatever it was it was bad. I knew he was tyring to collect himself together so he could speak. With a deep breath he said that his family called him and told him that he needed to know that his dad probably wouldn't be with them by time he got there. Things were just moving to quickly....he said more but at that time my heart began to break as I pictured my sweet husband getting on the back of a plane, with tears and pain that were indescribable....and all alone. I wanted so badly just run out the door and go to him. I just wanted him to feel my hand or something...I could not even fathom the pain he was going through at that moment, all by himself.

His plane departed and I waited patiently at home, all the while trying not to alarm the kids yet. And then the phone rang again...as I heard my MIL say my name I just knew. She didn't need to say a thing. I knew his time had come. As I sat there on the kitchen floor, we just cried together wishing we could just touch each other and make some sense of it all. I waited up for my husband to arrive in California, and knew that I'd be the first person he'd call. And he did. I couldn't talk when he called, and as I tried to say the words he already knew. As we sat there in silence I realized he was still on the plane. He hadn't even gotten off yet.

The last 2 days have been an emotional roller coaster and I know that this is just the beginning of a long road. My husband has told me that his world is no longer the same....life has changed. He can't explain it, but I know it hurts so deeply. Deeper than I can ever imagine. His quiet sobs from 2000 miles away anger me, sadden me, frustrate me, because I can't hold him. But i know he needs to be there. Telling our children was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.....watching their sweet little spirits go from bright and bubbly to deep sadness that would forever change them was heartbreaking.

In this horrible pain, I know that this is not a goodbye, it's just a see ya later. He's finished the test here on Earth. His work will continue on, he has errands somewhere else. Somewhere close by, just a little farther than those of us here on Earth want. I've developed an even deeper gratitude for my Savior and Heavenly Father, yet again, for the knowledge and faith that I've been blessed with. I know that this is not the "end". This is just the beginning for him and as our lives continue on here, his life is beginning in a place we all long to go one day. I'm thinking, given the chance, he'd never wish to come back here...who would ever want to leave the beautiful presence of heaven? It's so much closer than we know....and I feel that right now.