Monday, November 24, 2008

Deepest Gratitude

I actually had a different post for today....but changed it after the events of the past few days.

I'm sort of crying at my freaking computer right now. Ugh! I'm a "closet-crier"....I HATE to be upset. (okay, so why did i just tell you....) I avoid it. I can't stand the feelings it brews up in me...I'm a little confused right now. Crying because I feel sadness, but also because of the deepest gratitude that I can possibly feel.

Over the past year or so it seems that so many people around me have been faced with unexpected illnesses, traumatic experiences, challenges and sadness. All the while, I keep holding my breath that I may never personally experience what they're going through within my own family or my self....selfish of me, yes. But I feel for them and I do want to take it away. Confusing.

Last night I was writing in my journal....almost jotting down all the trials that my friends and some family have had to face. Some minor and others very upsetting. It was actually a long list...I shut the journal and pushed it away with anger because of this LONG list of trials. Why? Why do these good people have to go through so many challenges? I happened to have the scriptures sitting right next to me ;O) and looked for something to answer my question. I searched through and found something that stood out in Acts....it went something like this: Confirming the souls of the disciples, and exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.

Hum...Hum....Hum....

In the meantime, I've carried a warm feeling amongst all this anxiety because I've come to the complete understanding that my Heavenly Father has blessed me, my children and my husband beyond anything I can ever understand. I almost feel a sense of peace....because I actually "KNOW" that his watchful eye is constantly on my family. I don't know why...but I just feel it. I feel the deepest gratitude for my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My heart has finally realized that I'm so blessed, beyond anything I could have ever imagined, hoped for, or asked for. Maybe my begging prayers of safety and peace are being answered, or maybe my stubborn heart is finally softening up to actually feel it. I don't know...but my "worldly" mind and thoughts have probably clouded this feeling for awhile...thank goodness He's patient with me.

Wow...this was way off of what I ever share on my blog. But I just felt the need to express my gratitude...after all it is Thanksgiving...the week of celebrating Thankfulness and Gratitude. Thanks for letting me spill my guts....it hurt a little bit, but I feel better now. I'm still a little awe struck that I, ME, of all people could be so-so-so very blessed.......

7 comments:

lmerie said...

Very nice post! So appropriate!

Cherishing Mommy said...

To my dear friend! As you know I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about your (our)friends. As I sit here with my youngest and read your blog I feel compelled to be grateful for ALL of the little things in life that most people take for granted. Thank you for your post!

One of my deepest "GRATITUDE" is for having you! Thanks for being my friend and so much more.

Love ya.

heather said...

This is such a great post, thanks for spilling it all out even when you prefer to be a closet crier. Even in affliction he is watching out for us.

Margaret said...

Stated beautifully! I, too, am a closet crier. But reading that you have the same type of feelings is great to read before I shut my eyes tonight : ) Thanks for that!

Linda said...

There is something that happens to people when they finally arrive at that peaceful place with themselves and God. You are truly blessed and rewarded. And if any difficulties do arise, you have faith and confidence to endure.

I have some friends that seem to always be living from one crisis to the next. It's really very exhausting. I'm not immune from adverse circumstances. Sadness, conflict and even tragedy have entered my life, just like others. But the difference is that I won't let it rule me. I trust in God to carry me. It's very humbling. But very comforting.

Great post. Thank you!

Jennifer said...

Loevly post. =)

Peggy said...

What a beautiful post Tara! I am a "closet crier" too. I pray for all my friends and family that have to go through such hard times. I often get scared that we are "due" to have a crisis in our own immediate family. Ironically, this is what my recent Women's Retreat focused on! It is so amazing to me that when I go to Church, Bible study or even a retreat, I feel like the message is for me. That is how God communicates with us! I am feeling truly blessed this week also.
I also feel blessed to have found such wonderful friends such as YOU! Happy Thanksgiving! Now I am off to see my in-laws and I will be bringing my Fall story starter with me:)